1. New Episode of Sports & Stuff. 

     
     
  2. I made a sports show out of my bedroom because life’s going great! 

     
     
  3. Guy Attacked by Crazy Cheese Man (Obama Yankees LeBron Peyton Manning Funny Dancing Cats LOL Drake) 

     
     
  4. honest-letters:

    An honest version of Pharrell’s Happy. 

     
     
  5. A Sad Man recaps his week. 

     
     
  6. Some acting stuff I’ve done. 

     
     
  7. My Millionaire Matchmaker Application. I hope I get selected! 

     
     

  8. Next Week in Sports: Blogger Marries Real Human Woman

    New York, NY

    Kevin Clancy, or KFC as he’s known to his readers, a blogger for the smut-peddling website Barstoolsports.com has married a real human woman. The ceremony took place earlier today at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Midtown Manhattan and was performed by Father Henry Flannerty.

    The woman, who will be referred to as “X” for her privacy wore a white wedding dress and appeared to have all her vital signs.

    “Yes she was fully conscious, was of sound mind and was definitely a human woman,” said Father Flannerty.

    When asked if he takes “X” to be his bride Clancy replied with “the opposite of for sure not.”

    St. Patrick’s

    The wedding wasn’t without a hitch though. As the bride to be was walking down the aisle, a guest yelled out “mailtime” in an apparent reference to Clancy’s days as an office mule. Anthony Cresso of Westchester explained, “Mailtime is when you’ve mentally checked out. For me once the bride makes it halfway down the aisle I’m gone. Kevin will appreciate it. Maybe not now or in five years but someday he’ll laugh.”  

    While a blogger marrying a real human woman is not unprecedented, it is highly unusual. Only four bloggers in the past ten years have been married and only two have done it in person, (the other two Skype’d the ceremony).

     

    Previous Blogger Wedding

    However, Clancy has been an inspiration to his fellow co-workers: “KFC has shown us that anyone can find love in the real world,” said Philly blogger Maurice. “Even those who waste their days explaining why black people enjoy ordinary things like game shows and slam dunks.”

    Philly contributor Smitty concurred, “For me I’d say finding love is now a priority. Well, finding someone to cover my shift selling popcorn this weekend is number one but right behind that is definitely love.”

    After the ceremony everyone hit the dance floor with an electric slide routine led by someone referred to as “The Puerto Rican Puff Daddy”. For the newlyweds’ first dance the DJ played Jadakiss followed by Jason Mraz, signaling Clancy’s both black and white personality.  

    Guests doing the Electric Slide

    When it was time for speeches Clancy’s boss Dave Portnoy stirred the crowd up saying Kevin was “a hardo for getting married in a church” and those in attendance seemed to agree as they all started chanting “har-do, har-do, har-do.” Even “X” joined in on the fun. 

    While Clancy’s wedding was in the works for some time, many had their doubts as to whether or not it would actually happen.

    “We’ve had bloggers say they were getting married to a woman before only to find out the girl had never met them, or worse they weren’t even real!” said Tom Harden, a professor of Sociology at the University of Minnesota.

    But according to Nancy Gregory, a New York based marriage consultant, times are changing; “With the number of blogs out there now, we’re seeing more and more bloggers starting to find human mates. Just look at KFC, he only has one lazy eye which puts him in the top 1 percentile. He’s basically the Ryan Gosling of blogging.”

    The Ryan Gosling of Blogging? 

    The night ended with an impromptu game of “CatFeits”, a debate segment on KFC’s popular “KFC Radio.” While it started in good fun there was almost an altercation between Chicago blogger Big Cat and several of the guests due to his answering of the 3rd and final question “Which bridesmaid would you refuse to bang even with your enemy’s dick?”

    Cooler heads eventually prevailed when Patriots’ blogger Jerry Thornton grabbed the microphone and did 15 minutes on why buses are better than trains.

     

    "What’s the deal with bus tires?" opened Thornton 

    “People said I couldn’t do it,” remarked Clancy. “They said I couldn’t marry a living, breathing woman. I’ve been proving naysayers wrong my whole life. Now if you need me, I’ll be on my honeymoon at Saloon on the Upper East Side. All inclusive.”

    Follow NextWeekinSports and @MCamerlengo for updates. 

     

  9. Next Week in Sports: Disaster Strikes When Bloggers Try to Lose Weight

    Boston, MA.

    One blogger is dead while another clings to his life inside a Boston hospital today, all due to a “weight-loss challenge.” The recently deceased “Big Cat” as he is known on the pro-rape website Barstoolsports.com was found unresponsive in his Chicago home late last night. While authorities are unsure as to what caused his sudden death, they are pointing to heart failure.

    “Look, this guy was an unhealthy 231 lbs,” said an unnamed first responder.  According to that same first responder,  “Big Cat” was found slumped over looking at a website that specifically sold Bolo ties. However, no bolo ties were found in the residence.

    image

     Big Cat days before his fateful heart Attack. 

    Meanwhile, John Feitelberg, the other blogger involved in this deadly crash diet, lay in critical condition at Mass General Hospital. “John’s not doing well right now,” said Dr. Ron Andrews (brother of acclaimed surgeon Dr. James Andrews), “But he’s in good hands. He’s lost a lot of his chest fat which was actually supplying him with energy.  Once that started to disappear, he really wasn’t getting any nutrition.”

    It seems John took his mother’s advice and decided he “wasn’t going to get hungry.” Dr. Andrews warns against that approach: “Sure my brother deals with pro athletes and I only deal with former club team hockey players, but I do know one thing: eating is important.”

     image

    A warning sign? 

    The Feitelberg’s are asking for the community’s prayers but do not want any more rabbis stopping by the hospital. “While we appreciate any prayer we can get, John is a nice Irish, Catholic boy,” said Mrs. Feitelberg.

    The news regarding “Big Cat” and Feitelberg hit the other Barstool bloggers hard. New York blogger and resident donut expert “KFC” released a Twitter message seemingly referring to his online radio show: “RIP CatFeits.”

    President and CEO of Barstool, Dave Portnoy was tracked down at his Milton office, which looked like it had been recently trashed.

    image

     A recreation of the actual Barstool Headquarters

    Dave gave the following statement: “It sucks Dan died but that’s what we do. We’re innovators. We push limits. We don’t listen to the PC Police. In fact we’re doing a live bro show from “Big Cat’s” funeral with James Van Riemsdyk and McShay. Name another mogul who does that?” Portnoy then did what he referred to as the “prep school” face and closed the door.

    image

    Prep School face

    Commenters from the site are also weighing in, albeit with heart hearts, with most using the hashtags #shouldhavebeenpres,  #fireMotopayforfeitsbills and the most popular #RIPManhunter.

     “All we can do is hope for the best  for Feits and learn from this,” said CSNNE writer Tom E. Curran, while wearing a bolo tie.

    ESPN veteran Scott Van Pelt also weighed in: “I love Dan but watching his downward spiral was brutal. First it was the mustache, then the police scanner and finally the weight stuff…must have been what Belushi’s friends felt like. “

    Stay with Nextweekinsports for updates regarding this unfolding story.

     
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