New York, NY
Kevin Clancy, or KFC as he’s known to his readers, a blogger for the smut-peddling website Barstoolsports.com has married a real human woman. The ceremony took place earlier today at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Midtown Manhattan and was performed by Father Henry Flannerty.
The woman, who will be referred to as “X” for her privacy wore a white wedding dress and appeared to have all her vital signs.
“Yes she was fully conscious, was of sound mind and was definitely a human woman,” said Father Flannerty.
When asked if he takes “X” to be his bride Clancy replied with “the opposite of for sure not.”
The wedding wasn’t without a hitch though. As the bride to be was walking down the aisle, a guest yelled out “mailtime” in an apparent reference to Clancy’s days as an office mule. Anthony Cresso of Westchester explained, “Mailtime is when you’ve mentally checked out. For me once the bride makes it halfway down the aisle I’m gone. Kevin will appreciate it. Maybe not now or in five years but someday he’ll laugh.”
While a blogger marrying a real human woman is not unprecedented, it is highly unusual. Only four bloggers in the past ten years have been married and only two have done it in person, (the other two Skype’d the ceremony).
Previous Blogger Wedding
However, Clancy has been an inspiration to his fellow co-workers: “KFC has shown us that anyone can find love in the real world,” said Philly blogger Maurice. “Even those who waste their days explaining why black people enjoy ordinary things like game shows and slam dunks.”
Philly contributor Smitty concurred, “For me I’d say finding love is now a priority. Well, finding someone to cover my shift selling popcorn this weekend is number one but right behind that is definitely love.”
After the ceremony everyone hit the dance floor with an electric slide routine led by someone referred to as “The Puerto Rican Puff Daddy”. For the newlyweds’ first dance the DJ played Jadakiss followed by Jason Mraz, signaling Clancy’s both black and white personality.
Guests doing the Electric Slide
When it was time for speeches Clancy’s boss Dave Portnoy stirred the crowd up saying Kevin was “a hardo for getting married in a church” and those in attendance seemed to agree as they all started chanting “har-do, har-do, har-do.” Even “X” joined in on the fun.
While Clancy’s wedding was in the works for some time, many had their doubts as to whether or not it would actually happen.
“We’ve had bloggers say they were getting married to a woman before only to find out the girl had never met them, or worse they weren’t even real!” said Tom Harden, a professor of Sociology at the University of Minnesota.
But according to Nancy Gregory, a New York based marriage consultant, times are changing; “With the number of blogs out there now, we’re seeing more and more bloggers starting to find human mates. Just look at KFC, he only has one lazy eye which puts him in the top 1 percentile. He’s basically the Ryan Gosling of blogging.”
The Ryan Gosling of Blogging?
The night ended with an impromptu game of “CatFeits”, a debate segment on KFC’s popular “KFC Radio.” While it started in good fun there was almost an altercation between Chicago blogger Big Cat and several of the guests due to his answering of the 3rd and final question “Which bridesmaid would you refuse to bang even with your enemy’s dick?”
Cooler heads eventually prevailed when Patriots’ blogger Jerry Thornton grabbed the microphone and did 15 minutes on why buses are better than trains.
"What’s the deal with bus tires?" opened Thornton
“People said I couldn’t do it,” remarked Clancy. “They said I couldn’t marry a living, breathing woman. I’ve been proving naysayers wrong my whole life. Now if you need me, I’ll be on my honeymoon at Saloon on the Upper East Side. All inclusive.”
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